I feel lost with the world these days. I’m not sure if it’s just me or if we’re in some kind of illusion where no one ever speaks their truth. It’s annoying because if no one ever speaks their truth then no one ever gets vulnerable, and without vulnerability we don’t have connections. We also don’t have feedback so we never improve as people. We don’t get better at communication, we never face up to take responsibility for how we act based on our emotions and we’re losing high moral standards like honest, loyalty and respect. We start to become some half scraped version of what we think the world wants us to be because rather than being true to ourselves most of us think we have to go around being politically correct and trying to please others.
Well I’m here to throw a spanner in the works and admit to being human.
I’m going to start with my confessions. Apt as I’ve never done a confession before, at least not in a church to a minister… something about it just doesn’t seem right – “come here and let me judge thee for thy sins oh wicked one”, erm no thanks. Instead here they are for the World Wide Web to view, I mean why have one persons judgement when the whole word can have a go? Here’s to hoping your feeling forgiving today, dear reader.
- I do not have my shit figured out
I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to figure stuff out and for the most part I mastered it. I’ve got a knack for digging deep to find out how things work, how we work and the general patterns that link the two. Paired with my tenacity, it’s what has helped me get the things I wanted in life – how to travel with hardly any money, how to get a distinction in an science masters without anything more than a C grade science GCSE (lowest of passing high school qualifications, for you American folk), and mostly how to positively influence people and myself to get the best out of a situation. I enjoy figuring stuff out and finding the best way to do things because it means efficiency and progress and that’s something I’m passionate about. The thing is that I can’t figure everything out, even though I strive to and usually figure more stuff out than most people, I will never be able to figure everything out, and that’s ok. In fact, it’s the way it’s meant to be. It’s the reason I like to sail and volunteer with young adults. The two things baffle me because they can’t be completely figured out. Instead I have to go with the flow and hope I’m prepared for what comes next. To quote an old friend “The true aspiration isn’t having shit figured out, it’s to be ok with the shit not being figured out, ever.” Some stuff has just got to be, and the more I’m ok with that the easier my life will be. Shit is definitely not figured out today.
- I avoid, I judge, I blame
I really try not to. When I do I try to notice it and when I’m aware of it I always dig deep to find what the root cause is so I can learn something more about myself and work to improve it if I don’t like it. My ego still comes up when I feel fear or pain and with it there’s sometimes a verbal attack to whoever is unlucky enough to be near. Usually it’s an arrogant comment or a rant but if I really let it get me then I can shout. It’s not nice, it’s shitty, and I always feel the guilt and shame afterwards for not being the better person I strive to be. Those feelings are necessary as they remind me that I continuously aim to be the best version of myself. So I fully feel the guilt and the shame and in there I find the information that directs me what to do next. It’s usually an apology or a recognition, followed by an inquisition into why it happened (because I’m always trying to figure shit out remember), then I can finally learn from what happened and reach the self compassion and forgiveness for being completely me. Sometimes ego, sometimes heart, sometimes somewhere in between.
- I’m scared of a lot of things
I’m not scared of things that are ‘conventional’ to be scared of, the likes of mice or spiders – which to me, seems kind of silly because they’re tiny in comparison to humans but then there goes that less compassionate logical side of me speaking and realistically I know that these thing are caused by associations in the brain, probably in early childhood, and I’ll stop now while I begin to sound like I’ve figured that one out because I definitely haven’t. I’m scared of even sillier things. I’m scared of falling in love for the fear of getting hurt. I’m scared of trying, in case I fail. Mostly I’m scared that I won’t get done what I’ve been put on this planet to do, even though I’m not sure what that even is yet. I’m still not sure how I feel about fear, I just know that it exists within me and still quite prominently. Especially at the moment as I venture back into the dating world and I’m finally moving forward with publishing my books. I recognise it because it’s a squirmy kind of feeling. It’s like being squeezed from top to bottom in a vice that starts in an open 90 degree angle and closes into about 30 degrees, literally squishing me in between. It’s like being compressed under force until there is only one way to squeeze – backwards out of the vice. But if I do that, and the vice closes then that opportunity closes with it. Instead I’m trying to master staying put and holding the vice open no matter how hard I’m squeezed. Eventually the vice will give way and through the experience I’ll become stronger. It’s hard, and there is a minefield of vices in front of me but the horizon on the other side is bright and sunny so I’m committed to crossing the field.
I’m starting to feel comfortable to be my authentic self, even though I get a lot of funny looks when I talk about real topics, you know emotions, life, dreams and progression. When what I say is ‘too heavy’ or ‘too in depth’ or when people ‘can’t handle that (the truth) right now’. I’m hoping that eventually this mirage will dissipate and people will see it for the truth that it is. Sometimes good, sometimes bad sometimes ugly. But I’ll take the truth any day, over something which isn’t even real.
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Photo credit: Ben White